FCUK CHEL$KI

Heh, fuck Chelsea:

John Terry got us into this mess by eschewing a simple handshake and choosing instead to sate his grubby urges by irrevocably damaging the life of a perfectly decent human being and also a small child; as a consequence we now have the vaguely farcical scenario of a significant football match – Chelsea go four points clear if they win; City go fourth if they draw – being overshadowed by a handshake. A handshake. You know, the thing that is occasionally used to significant a vital political breakthrough, an initiation and the like. Oh, football....

From afar, Terry seems like a peculiarly English streak of odiousness; the sort who, despite being guilty of some palpably indefensible behaviour, is able to ignore all logic and manufacture their own grievance so that they can behave like they have been wronged. All very strange. All very English...

The death knell for a once proud country: Bridge gets his first touch and is roundly booed. As he goes to collect the ball for a throw-in, you can easily lipread one charming gentleman calling him a "fucking prick". I want none of this.

GOAL! Chelsea 1-1 Manchester City (Tevez 45) What a ridiculous goal! A huge punt out of defence from Bridge is backheaded by Mikel, on the halfway line, towards Terry. It goes straight through him and that allows Tevez to get his head down and charge towards goal. He reaches the edge of the area before going inside and then back outside the covering Carvalho and then, off balance after a sly trip from Terry, completely scuffs his shot across goal from the right side of the six-yard box. I actually turned away to type about how he'd missed and might have had a penalty, only to hear the laughter around the office as the ball went in. Somehow it dribbled past Hilario, who dived to his right but was deceived by the complete lack of pace, and into the corner. A comedy of errors for Chelsea. As shambolic as the goal was, you have to give huge credit to Tevez. He had literally no teammates within 50 yards of him. A triumph of the human spirit, that goal. Oh and the assist goes to Bridge, hilariously...

82 min: BALLACK SENT OFF Chelsea are down to nine men. Ballack gets a second yellow card, deservedly so for a risible scissor-hack from behind at Tevez. This is bizarre.

Ballack, sporting a black-eye, literally tried to end Tevez's season. He was on a yellow, but that would have been a straight red if he wasn't.

GOAL! Chelsea 1-4 Manchester City (Bellamy 87) City get a five-on-three counter-attack and play it perfectly. Tevez played Wright-Phillips through on goal on the right with Chelsea's three defenders backpedalling desperately. He ran into the area and selflessly passed it across the face for Bellamy to tap into an empty net...

Full time: Chelsea 2-4 Manchester City John Terry is complaining to the referee. What a specimen. A fabulous win for City in a very strange game; they go to fourth, and in doing so bring Manchester United and Arsenal right back in the title race. Thanks for your emails; I'll leave the last word to Adam:

"I'm kind of new to this soccerball game you call 'football'. But it seems to me like something has unsettled the Chelsea team, especially their defence. Maybe something is going on off the field...?

Actually, I'll leave it to Craig Bellamy in his post-match interview: "I know what JT's like, and nothing surprises me with him."

Lordy, I hate Arsenal but I hate Liverpool more but I hate Man Utd more but holyfuckfuckingest, I hate Chelsea most.

What a wonderful way to start my Saturday.

Though shockingly, as I type this Bongo and PLW are 0-0 in the 35th minute. Time to go read.