BLCKDGRD

Hamster Advice!

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Looking for om in August, Fleabus? Hamster advice!

August sucks. Damn August and everyone born in August. Especially bloggers born in August.

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• Memo to HRC presupposes she's bigger than she wasn't.
• Tinfoiled?
• The indestructible core of my rubity is my inability to relax and enjoy the stupid.
• Maybe not, but probably so.
• Krugman: it's 1913 all over again.
• Who's just like Hitler today?
• So much for that trial balloon.
• (Right)Wingman, fuck-buddy.
• America as pedophile priest.
• Savage coward.
• God does play dice, or Elect the Pope: The Game.
• Slots. Meh.
• Kafka's Dick.
• Obama's top-ten list is cynical, McCain's is lame.
• 29 instrumentals by bands that sing, w/mp3!

Updates later. Or not.

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Why should we look for comfort in poetry?

MARBLE-SIZED SONG

Albert Goldbarth

Does she love you? She says yes, but really
how do you know unless you undress that easy assertion,
undoing its petals and laminae, and going in
below all trace of consciousness, into the neuroelectrical
coffer where self-understanding is storaged away,
and then lifting its uttermost molecule out, to study
in its nakedness as it spins
in a clinical light?—the way
we all, in our various individual versions
of this common human urge, go in,
and in, and in, the physicist down
to the string-vibration underlying matter, and
the Appalachia fiddler getting so
(as she puts it) "into my music," sound becomes
a flesh for her to intimately ("in"-timately)
enter, "its thick and its sweetbreads."
Is he cheating on you? He says no, and feigns
that he's insulted, but for certainty
you'll need to delicately strip the bark away
and drill, and tweeze, until you can smear a microscope slide
of the pith and can augur the chitterlings
—the way the philosopher can't accept a surface
assumption of truth, but needs to peel back
the fatty sheen of the dermis, soak the cambium layer
into a blow-away foam, and then with pick
and lightbeam helmet, inch by inch begin
spelunking through those splayed-out caverns
under the crust, where gems of cogitation are buried
—the way the diver descends for the pearl,
the miner: in, the archaeologist: in, the therapist: down
the snakier roots of us and in, and in, the way
the lone, leg-pretzeled yogi makes
a glowing bathysphere of worldliness and sends it in,
and further in, tinier and heavier and ever in,
the way the man in the opium den is floating forever,
toward a horizon positioned in the center of the center
of his head.... If we could stand beyond the border
of our species and consider us objectively, it might seem
that our purpose in existing is to be a living agency
that balances, or maybe even slows, the universe's
irreversible expansion out, and out ... and each
of us, a contribution to that task.
My friend John's wife received the news: a "growth,"
a "mass," on her pituitary, marble-sized, mysterious.
And the primary-care physician said: Yes,
we must go in and in. That couldn't be the final word!
And the second-opinion physician said: Yes,
my sweet-and-shivering-one,
my fingerprint-and-irisprint-uniqueness,
someone's-dearest, you
who said the prayers at Juliette's grave, who drove
all night from Switzerland with your daughter, you
on this irreplaceable day in your irreplaceable skin
in the scumbled light as it crosses the bay in Corpus Christi,
yes in the shadows, yes in the radiance,
yes we must go in and in.

Sober, Life is a Prison, Shit-Faced, It's a Blessing. Sober, Nobody Wants You, shit-Faced, they're all undressing. sober, it's even darker, shit-faced, the moon is nearer

World's shittiest human is aflutter with outrage that one country would invade another because it can. Oil, schmoil, oil's gravy. Oil oils the can, produces greater can.

Assholes are assholes because all they see are assholes and know the Asshole Code: what's good for one asshole is just as good for rival assholes.

Meanwhile, Uncle Fiver (yds, y?) reports

As part of the handover to London 2012, David Beckham will star alongside Boris Johnson and Leona Lewis in the closing ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. The plan is for him to enter the stadium in a double-decker bus and kick a ball into the crowd. Sweet lord.

It all fits. Jeebus I'm in a vile mood.

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• Lesser assholes are still assholes.
• Dances with Assholes.
• Laughing at the assholes laughing at assholes.
• Midgetidjit Richard Cohen channels Modo.
• Anyone heard how Silber's doing?
• New anti-Obama book reviewed.
• Douche v Dildo?
• When pastors go postal.
• Nigel Beale reviews James Wood.
• Batman: Fascist or Not

Updates later. Or not.

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One of six things that might break the vile mood, the only one available now.

There is never not a New Order song in my head.

Oblahma in Paradise

Here's one example of a liberal blogger overlord mocking Cokie Roberts for attacking Hawaii as Oblahma's vacation destination, complete with rational explanations why it's silly to be attacking Oblahma for vacationing in Hawaii. I'm the rube?

Cokie Roberts can be scolded, mocked, abused, denounced. Her stupid can be proven by logical arguments of least difficulty. Obama vacationing in the state of his birth, where family members still live, may be completely, factually, rebuke-free, which doesn't mean Cokie Roberts is narratively incorrect. When did common sense and truth become factors in American presidential elections?

Cokie suggests Myrtle Beach, and if I agree it would play better in Peoria, what would play better still is NOT TAKING A GODDAMN VACATION IN AUGUST WHILE RUNNING FOR OBAMAGOD!

Jeebus in Crackerstan, either Oblahma doesn't understand the rules of the game or Oblahma believes he floats above the rules of the game (or both), and that makes him one dumb and arrogant obamawannabe, but obamapostasy and meh.

But our internet Liberal overlords, fully aware of the rules of the game, wasting outrage on Cokie Roberts for reporting the Republican narrative, are almost as stupid as Oblahma deciding to finally challenge the Republican meme he's an arrogant elitist by defiantly flying to Hawaii for a vacation before his coronation.

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• The minute I think good thoughts about HRC, mcaullifister!
• Oblahma. This is better.
• Foot-stomping impotence will be countered by slobbering belligerence, and of course Russia v Georgia will be viewed as boon to McCain, allowing pigs to use the holy word Kremlin in the same sentence as Obama, who hasn't been reached for comment because HE'S VACATIONING IN THE MIDDLE OF A CAMPAIGN TO BE OBAMAGOD.
• Georgia v Russia, Georgia v Russia, Georgia v Russia.
• Oblahma. Oblahma.
• Obama Art.
• Suggestion of Carl Levin for vpotus.
• Failing the Chesapeake.
• Next great American beer?
• Ten most memorable uniforms in rock.
• Gaithersburg is #1!
• Keep your dog off my lawn, or else!

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BTW, typepad has upgraded my composer, and it's buggy as dusk, so if fonts and/or link colors look screwy or things don't work, oh well, I'll figure it out eventually. And, maybe you've noticed, I've set up links (when I remember) to open a new window, which should be especially helpful on FridayMusicFridays.

Meanwhile, in vitally important news, here's the new bag, a Revolution "Deluxe" Mini:

It did not come with anything that improves my game, but sweet nonetheless. It appears I'm sideways from design specs.

Oblahma

Oblahma? Mofos, he was obamawesome! enough to coordinate his VACATION IN HAWAII with John Edwards' adultery admittance.

Assuming the vacation has been in the works for months, Obama's manipulation of The National Enquirer and control of John Edwards is impressive! and should dash your oblahmas he is a hubristic assclown who believes his own hype to the point he can take a week off in his campaign to be elected Obamagod.

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• Oblahma.
• Oblahma.
• Theories of Oblahma.
• Oblahma with both hands.
• Oblahma: the art of the passable.
• Hillary is lame too
• Yes, of course
  
• Cold water fun.
• Fucking Washington Times article of fucking profanity on fucking Liberal blogs gets fucking predictable reaction on this fucking blog.

Updates later. Or not.

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What's ickier? The President of the United States admiring world class ass or the outraged OMFG!s at the President of the United States admiring world class ass.

The ass is studying the wrong ass.

Pretzelicious? Pretzelitus!

Shee-it, let's hope obamatrophy constipates August until convention, and if Obama survives Obama Fatigue treading even with McCain all will be fine. My friends, insisting my opponent is so much more awesome than me can only distract attention from my own inability to perform for so, um, long (and Teh Obamachub versus impotent sugar-daddy will be a hot! new! series! on Fox!).

I go in Friday afternoon for an ophthalmologist appointment - it's bifocal time, youngsters - but weird is in the last month my eyesight, my reading/writing eyesight, has deteriorated to the point I don't even try reading and can't write in tablets

unless I remove my current glasses. All is fine until I look up, and then I'm not sightless but am stunned by fuzz as if suddenly blind, lost.

Mofos, there isn't anything I can't pretzel into whatever pretzel I'm gnawing into blogable nyah, and since I need to see my tablets' calligraphy as I'm scratching it, my greatest desire is a new pair of grandpa glasses?

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• Thomas Frank's new book. Thomas Frank interviewed. More Frank. I should write more about Frank, but it's fracking August.
• Democrats are assholes too. If the GOP doesn't link this and Obama and American Jews, that doesn't make them less detestable, just off their game. UPDATE.
• Probably a good strategy, though it bores me.
• When Obama does attack, this is one target-rich vein.
• McCain buffoonery = AP buffoonery.
• Guide to the sleaziest obamaslurs.
• A reminder.
• NRA spy? Down the memory hole.
• USWNT = Nike National Team.
• Thunder? How frackenlame.
• Say no to Amazon.
• Revitalize Diamond Avenue?
• Fair food will be three grams less shitty!
• I play here. I know some of these guys.

Updates later. Or not.

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In my head. Be in yours.

Debate Tips

 

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• Send good thoughts to Unqualified Dog and her trained human.
• I don't want to look at Cindy McCain's tits, no matter her husband wants me to.
• On Obama as anti-Christ once, twice, thrice.
• Marty Peretz can write this sentence, "Nicholas D. Kristof has the vanity of the absolutely righteous," without giggling.
• In which I agree w/Drum: chill. 
• I love Julie Doiron. Always have.

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Obama as anti-Christ?

EXCELLENT! I've just sent Obamantichrist $20!

But, Fleabus, you told me you were the anti-Christ?

..

Why the hell did you think I was buying you Iams rather than Purina?

GOKE! and PODE!

Rube's Code requires I admit that POKE! and GOAD! is a fine strategy to use against me, which is unneeded proof I'm a rube with a rooting interest, and just how fracking ruby is that.

Obama can't call McCain's cracker-trolling cracker-trolling, and I'll pull my ethical hamstring and snit furiously about obamapostasy because he doesn't, which is, what's the word I'm looking for..... STUPID!

But... don't tell me America doesn't want slap-reality show politics, and it's only August 3 and OMFG! Handbags!

If this election is the most important election ever since the last most important election ever and until the next most important election ever, we'd better get down to poking raw nerves and goading from the gutter. Fracking Crackerstan.

OH! Anyone want to bet a pint that HRC won't be Obama's vpotus choice?

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• Maybe The Dark Knight is a fascist wetdream.
• Maybe The Dark Knight is a fascist wetdream.
• We need to pay fucking attention.
• Danzig USA.
• "Uppity's" synonyms, coming soon.
• War on the middle class, part one, part two.
• Happy Anniverary, Bitchez!
• Wal-Mart: Why They Suck.
• Mercenary country.
• Pigs, lesser-evil, yadda.
• Friday hope blogging.
• Kevin Drum chides Andrew Sullivan. We. Are. So. Fucked.

UPDATES!

• Debate Obama's debate strategy.
• McCain was never a straight-talker, an irony now that it's obvious he's a buffoon, though give professional media contortionists time and they'll embarrass themselves justifying their reinvented love-ooze.
• The answer to the question sub-head is YES!
• This Fellowjeff is writing about PERE UBU! with mp3 candy!
• This Fellowjeff is mourning the death of a summer voice, reminding me of Bob Prince.
• Dan reviews the new Wood.
• Saving Segundo!
• Meditation on Human Smoke.
• A new Ashbery uses the word "Oprah."
• Thoughts on The Booker. More, here.
• Oodles of lit-links.
• Savannah Cat? Not a cougar.
• Fabulously wealthy bemoan loss of ice cream store to corporate interests that make them fabulously wealthy!
  

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Food for thought:

And I'd Do It Again

Obamadmiration makes me feel obamasinine, so it's not love when I obamapplaud obamarmy for not just returning fire but opening fire (he says from a completely morally-neutral spectator of game-playing perch, urp).

Obama play the race card? I kinda look like Eisenhower, but a dime's worth shit anyway even if you kept them in your wallet.

If Obama's strategists, my friends, think poking a half-daft ballistically-tempered time bomb is a good idea, I scream POKE! and GOAD! my friends, POKE! and GOAD!

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• Race card? Black man and white skanks is race card? Oh my!
• Pastor Gerson likes Kaine, which disqualifies Kaine in my book.
• The world's second most shitty human (Blanco won) hates Pelosi, which increases Pelosi's points in my book.
• Pigs, lesser-evil, yadda.
• If you haven't read Ed on future of newspapers and litblogs, do.
• Bob Barr will be 44th president?
• Exactly right.
• Ana Popovic?
• Obama's too fit to be elected. No, really.
• Pigs, lesser-evil, yadda.
• Today's birthday has chinacat sunflowers on Franklin's Tower.

UPDATES

• Babs signals she's running for re-election.
• Marysurveillanceland.
• Going through the motions.
• Just because Joe Klein is saying things now one agrees with doesn't mean he isn't the same stooge he was when he was saying things you don't.
• Does enjoying Rachel Maddow slap Pat Buchanan to stuttering rage implicate me in any toxic-stank of complicity?
• Clarksburg Historical District?
• Pigs, lesser-evil, yadda.
• Jack? Shit.
• Like you need another reason to hate Wal-Mart.
• Hey, someone writing about Elkin! (h/t Mark)
• Eclectic bunch of downloads.
  

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OK, click on that to see just how good a photograph that is. It's even more astonishing when downloaded to your desktop and set as your wallpaper. Yes, Planet is a genius. Send me an email if you want it and I'll mail it to you.

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In my head. Be in yours.

obamandingo cometh

Reminding myself again why obamagastic over hillaryistic: Would the three major networks have dispatched their anchors to follow Clinton around Eurasia in July?

Listen to Andrew Tyndall school Tom Rosenstiel, who was arguing for some false journalistic morality that McCain coverage 50/50 Obama's, Friday night on News Hour:

The reality is that Obama is speaking to 200,000 people in Germany and John McCain is in an aisle in the supermarket, the 200,000 people are more newsworthy than Obama. And you wouldn't be reflecting reality accurately if you gave those two events equal weight. You'd lose all credibility in the eyes of your audience, because you'd be saying this spectacular phenomenon that's happening in Berlin is no more or less important than a photo-op in a supermarket.

Regardless how Obama reflects your suck and your suckangst, if this is a hexagonal board game and you're playing to win, which side do you want to play, knowing the rules and rules' uselessness, Obama or McCain?

Honestly, when your opponent's current argument is that you are just too awesome, even if that criticism is the early preparatory groundwork for AIIEE! NIGGER! and AIIEE! NIGGER! is just preparatory groundwork for screaming OBAMANDINGO! will take your white daughters, your opponent sucketh pathetically.

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• A list of people Obama has had murdered.
• Audacity of intelligence.
• Read this article from American Conservative magazine (h/t Henley).
• It is true Europe longs for bullshit American idealism.
• But David Ignatius is still one shockingly self-admiring dumbass motherfucker.
• Goosestep through the tulips (and the genius of SCTV).
• McCain lies. And your point?
• Rich is worth reading today.
• Radicalized Libertarians are not a matter of luck.
• Absaroka? The 51st State?
• Elric 7 has Dinamo Moskva schwag.
• The eaglebay ogglegay is ackbay. How do I get rid of it?
• Tofu does not harsh your jizz. Duh.
• Perhaps it's a sign of sucksess when MLS is as willing to flaunt kayfabe as European leagues.
• P.Z. proves his point, hardening the resolve of every person his proof refuted.
• The power of Rush is his ability to produce shitpieces like this.
• Hey, Mocomofos, Weasel interviewed (last one, at the bottom). I'm glad he's got a gig, but sweet MC5, does The Globe suck.   

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It's only July, and Obama wowed Eurasia while McCain floundered in a grocery and the pig-right is only skimming the pigugly to come. Ew! Obama's acting like he wants to be president! The nigbastardger!

Mofos, I begged to be entertained and I will bring down curses, but it's only July. No matter how feeble John McCain is now this show won't get febrile until Obama's shot or October erupts.

No One Reads Blogs on Saturday, But I Know There Will Be At Least Two Posts Tomorrow, So....

Obama is vetting blog-hero Chris Dodd for veep, and Dodd’s interest is confirmed. Next season, in MLS, there likely will be a league-weakening if not league-crippling if not league-destroying labor strike. Mofos, you know how rubystupid I am. 

I need daily reminder that Obama, if elected, will spasm Charles Krauthammer to tongue-biting fury, and until I swear off my benefits as drone in this empire, on bad days that's good enough for me.

Here’s my obamapostasy: I’m too smart to have bought obamartinis and bought them anyway, but I’m not smart enough to enjoy them served over ground glass with a splash of Clorox. 

There’s fun to be had if I just get smart enough to have it.

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• ODB's honorable righteousness.
• American Gulag - someone ask O if he'll order its abolishment on day one.
• Telling it like it is.
• Emerging Left/Libertarian alliance?
• This really says it all.
• On patriotism and photoshopping.
• Top 100 Liberal professor blogs? (h/t Cliopatria)
• Look at the top four. Make vomit noise of choice.
• Snow falls in July.
• Why did the Founding Fathers hate America?
• Fat pig for Fredneck.
• Purple Line: Fuck the Colombia Country Club.
• Greenbelt United.

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Anything?