BLCKDGRD

United 1, Columbus 0

That guy, who doesn't like me (he doesn't like anybody, but he really doesn't like me), was the only regular in 232 until the fifteenth minute, when three others of his circle finally showed up. I watched the second half two sections over with the Oklahoma Kid and his sidekick Poncho.

Here's the last sentence from Goff's game report in the Post:

The club's regular season attendance average was 16,087, a significant decline from the 19,835 mark last year.

I'm talking out my ass - I have no idea what contractual agreements exist between DCU/MLS and the DC Stadium Authority - and maybe United wins in Kansas City next weekend and gets a playoff game at home in two weeks, but what if - what if - that was the last United home game?

No doubt I'll be at RFK all next summer - my deposits are in, United's sending out renewals and soliciting new season ticket holders - but remind yourself how tenuous this league is, how much money United loses for playing at RFK when the team is good and the crowds are big, how much more money United loses for playing at RFK when the team is bad and the crowds are small, how bad a product United will put on the field next season, how the owner of the team doesn't own the team to lose money and his patience isn't infinite, how the owner must know he's not getting a stadium in the DC area.

Philadelphia hasn't played a game yet, and their future is brighter than DCU's. The fracking New Jersey Metros have a brighter future than DCU. If and when United's future is brighter, it won't be in DC.

United won, but Columbus is the better team with the better future. They were the better team last night, playing their B-Squad. If United does make the playoffs, it's likely they'll draw Columbus, and I'll be there to watch that full-strength Columbus squad dismantle United.

Here's Goff's player ratings:

Cronin 8; Jakovic 7.5, James 7, Burch 6.5; McTavish 5, Jacobson 5, Simms 5, Gomez 5, Wallace 7; Khumalo 7, Emilio 7. Subs: Moreno 5, Vaughn 6, Szetela 6.

O, the game. Soehn's an idiot, but look at what he's given to work with. Of the above fourteen, only Jakovic, Khumalo, and Wallace need be back (though James looks like a decent first defender off the bench).

Ba'al bless Jaime. He should be back if he wants to be back, but if he's one of United's best eleven next season, it'll be even more dismal than this one.

SWEET! Fullback does the blegaggregating, plus his own game reaction. Of interest in the agg are comment trends from Big Soccer, one of which is "Boyzzz can't defend for crap," which does explain why he's swapped out so early when he's the best offensive player on the field (if you're willing to give Soehn credit for the substitution strategy).

Baltimore United

I'd drive to Baltimore:

Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon has written a letter to the Maryland Stadium Authority asking the agency to study the possibility of building a new soccer stadium for Major League Soccer's D.C. United.

The letter, dated Sept. 30, asks the stadium authority to focus on building the stadium as part of a green mixed-use project with access to light rail, Interstate 95, Baltimore-Washington Parkway and the Camden Yards sports complex.

United signals, Make me an offer, Sailor:

D.C. United continues to search for an appropriate, long-term home for our team. Baltimore has demonstrated its ability to work with the state to create world-class facilities for the Orioles and Ravens. We believe a new D.C. United stadium can be an exciting and vital economic engine and look forward to the results of the Maryland Stadium Authority study of a Baltimore city location. Our conversations with other municipalities will continue.

The District just summarily fired 300 public school teachers in a demeaning and humiliating fashion. There's no new stadium coming in DC.

Other municipalities? There's no new stadium coming in Prince Georges or Arlington or Alexandria or Prince William or Fairfax or Loudoun or Frederick, and I double Fuck-Me-Jig there'll be no stadium in Moco.

This is last best case scenario. If Baltimore makes a fair offer, United would be idiots not to take it, though that assumes that United will negotiate in good faith, something to worry about after the disclosures of their less than honorable and honest negotiations during the PG clusterfuck. Perhaps with MacFarlane gone, United will.

United 0, Chivas USA 2

I got to Lot 4 at 710, with a line of permit-holders behind me, and I literally got the last parking spot because the assclowns that run parking didn't cut off the drive-ups in time. I got in line for a beer at 720, stood in line for ten minutes because the Sodexho assclowns didn't open up enough beer vendors for a crowd of 20K+ only to be told there was no Harp, no Yuengling, just fucking Miller Lite, WHICH ISN'T BEER, then stopped at a stand selling what smelled like rat meat tortillas and got a can of Modelo, and when I tipped a dollar for the Sodexho assclown to pour a can into a plastic cup, the assclown told the other vendor standing there with his thumb up his ass, See, these white boys don't tip.

Then United came out flat, disinterested, disorganized, suckful. Verily, when United's two best plays of the night were Christian Gomez disrespecting Tom Soehn and Benny My Love taking a stoopidly ghastly red, tis time to begin honing the obituary.

Here's Goff's player ratings:

Kocic 5; Vaughn 4, Jakovic 5, James 4, Burch 3; Khumalo 4, Simms 4, Olsen 3, Quaranta 4; Gomez 4, Pontius 4. Subs: Moreno 4, Fred 3, Emilio 3.

Soehn's an idiot. The only player on United in the first half who looked like he could score was subbed out at half for Fredsux? And what was the point of humiliating Gomez? Strike fear into the players?

Meh, here's the deal. The front office sucks (Peralta, Martinez, Carvalho, Niell, Gallardo, Fred, Janicki, etc); the coach sucks; the players have quit; the parking lot attendants suck; Sodexho blows donkeys.

Me, I'm putting my deposit on next season's tickets this Friday/payday, but I'm a stoopid fucking roob who finds my anger at losing as cathartic as my joy at winning and my fandom a needed outlet for my tribal and religious instincts, but there aren't enough dopes like me who'll buy this shitty product that this franchise can survive. St. Louis United, mofos.

Curmudgeon ponders his season ticket renewal, makes awesome proposal, though I wonder if it's adopted how Benny's red card would affect it. Fullback eviscerates Soehn.

Updates, edits, links, later. Or not.

United 1, Kansas City 0

Everyone commented they'd never seen such a small crowd.

I turned to Landru

and Ilse and said, these are games that we should receive a thank you for, some acknowledgment by United, who can track our attendance by the scanned barcode on our season tickets.

I get home after the game, open up my gmail, and United sent me this email:

To our loyal and supportive Full Season ticket holders,

As a token of our appreciation for your attendance and thank you for your patience through the uncertainties of our Special Event tickets for the 2009 season, we have decided to make seating for the next two home CONCACAF Champions League matches on September 24^th vs. CD Marathon of Honduras and September 30^th vs. San Juan Jabloteh of Trinidad & Tobago complimentary for all Full Season ticket holders.   These games were not included in the original 20 game season ticket plan, but each will now be available to you in your same or similar seating at no charge *.   

Thank you. Very much. Cause, we'd have bought tickets, and United didn't need to do this. I'm not even going to be cynical about this.

Oh, the game:

Thank you for sucking, Davy Arnaud, who fredded three sure goals with fredlike incompetence.

To be honest, I thought the chance for complete meltdown (0-5 at half, United players screaming at and smacking each other, an old fart taking a nasty red and flipping off the fans on the way off the field) was decent, and had Arnaud's first fredding gone in at 1:10, the kaboom might have kaboomed.

Some games are won by winning, other games won by the other team losing, and this was the latter. United did nothing to increase my confidence they'll make the stupid-ass playoffs other than Kansas City handed United three undeserved points. The table doesn't differentiate between deserved and undeserved points.

Fire Tom Soehn and his bunkering ass. And if you're gonna bunker, you bring Fred in for defense? Ass.

Here's Goff's player ratings:

Wicks 7; Namoff 7, James 5, McTavish 5, Wallace 6; Pontius 6, Simms 6, Gomez 6, Quaranta 4; Moreno 6.5, Emilio 6. Subs: Olsen 7, John 6, Fred 5.

Quaranta 4? Tino Quaranta was the best player on the field. If Tino plays a ball into open space and fracking Devon McTavish runs in the wrong direction or Namoff takes a circular rather than straight route to the space, how is that on Tino Quaranta. Quaranta and Pontius are the only two United players who have natural soccer intelligence and the youth and physical skills to match. The other young aren't that good, the old farts with the intelligence no longer have the physical skills.

Yowza, here's anger. Curmudgeon lives up to his name. Shatz is calmer.

More later. Or not.

UPDATE! Holy Fuck. And Fuck-Me-Jig, yo.

In Which I Try to Grow Up

I learned when Princess Diana died that raging against a global orgasm of beatification towards a subject I deem unworthy is more about self-indulgence and self-congratulation than raging against the tide. This time I’ll stand back and try to learn from the spectacle.

Last night driving around, this morning driving to work, scanning radio stations, I heard Jackson's music and tearful hosts and call-ins crying how they'll always remember where they were when they heard, comparing the experience to 911 and Princess Diana’s death, and as I remember exactly where I was when I heard John Lennon died, regardless my judgment of the relative merits of Lennon's and Jackson's music, the spiritual experience of loss - and demonstrative communal grief - is the same.

Having posted thousands of links to music and literature and a stupid-ass soccer team in all-black kits, to accuse Jackson's mourners of a maudlin ecstasy in their distraught delight in their faith's promised devastation would be hypocrisy; witness that Fuck-Me Jig category over on the left. That I've chosen faiths that I pride myself an intellectual sophistication over people who’d scream at a skinny freak's moon-walking might make me a slightly more sophisticated rube, but I'm a rube to my heart's core, feeding the same impulses the rubes I intolerantly judge stupider feed too.

UPDATE!

Via a comment from Richard, a reading assignment:

UPDATE!

Sky Saxon also died yesterday:

*

• I'd written something about Politico's article yesterday suggesting Obama's awesomeness is a growing political problem as lead for this post, but meh.
• UPDATE! Froomkin's last Post post
• Ass the Salatan creams Sanford's sin.
• A solid response to the ass above.
• He kidnapped himself.
• UPDATE! Michael Jackson and the perils of success.
• What would the pussy documented here say about this?
• Zizek on Iran.
• Billy Graham, zealot, lunatic, pussy.
• It will surprise no one that of nine SCOTUS, Clarence Thomas alone supports strip-searching 13 year old girls.
• Anne Arundel piggery.
• New Man Utd home kits.
• Found five of the bastards on me after mowing my lawn.
• The mean streets of King Farm.
• Bought this anthology about a month ago UPDATE! I meant to link to this review of the anthology:

• More Fearing.
• Yim Yames to release EP of Harrison covers.
• One of my favorite George Harrison songs.
• Another one.
• But this is my favorite.
• Someone I won't be seeing at FedEx in August.

• DJ Bonebrake is now a jazz drummer?
• Want some new Dinosaur Jr?
• Today's Listening Assignment.

Updates later. Or not.

*

Prospects

Anthony Hecht

We have set out from here for the sublime
Pastures of summer shade and mountain stream;
I have no doubt we shall arrive on time.

Is all the green of that enamelled prime
A snapshot recollection or a dream?
We have set out from here for the sublime

Without provisions, without one thin dime,
And yet, for all our clumsiness, I deem
It certain that we shall arrive in time.

No guidebook tells your if you'll have to climb
Or swim. However foolish we may seem,
We have set out from her for the sublime

And must get past the scene of an old crime
Before we falter and run out of steam,
Riddled by doubt that we'll arrive in time.

Yet even in winter a pale paradigm
Of birdsong utters its obsessive theme.
We have set our from here for the sublime;
I have no doubt we shall arrive on time.

*

Yes, again:

Autoblogography

*

• UPDATE! Friends/MST3Kers only: Servo-Crowatians.
• UPDATE! Only my loyalest: Autoblogography!
  
• Revolting.
• Suffrage Green Preservation Society. (h/t)
• Hitchens is mirrorless.
• UPDATE! IOZ on the above.
• Astringent Corrective.
• Uh, yeah, this too. Why Blegsylvania fascinates me: daily reminders that every power discourse is the power discourse of high school. 
• On not being a grown-up.
• UPDATE! Pleasepleaseplease! because a fat white pig from Mississippi is the future!

• Only way to get off this chain gang.
• Full of fail.
• UPDATE! Passive-Aggressive Vegan Grocery Cashier: A Day in the Life.
• One reason WAMU no longer gets any of my money.
• UPDATE! Your Mocopolice.
• Newcastle's punishment for relegation? (h/t)

• USMNT win aided by South African hookers!
• Fuck-Me Jig!
• UPDATE! Still not going.
• UPDATE! I will be going to RFK July 28 to see United play Chalatenango.

• Aleksandar Hemon on vacations, reading, Yugoslavia.
• Tradition of Anti-Traditional Writing.
• Stefan Zweig.
• The joys of Nicholson Baker.
• Colum McCann?
• I hadn't though of Kenneth Fearing in literally decades.
• Clapton, Michelob, blahblahblah.
• Sculpting your iTune library.
• Today's Listening Assignment (in my head, not on bleg, forporate cuckers).
• UPDATE! Just put in my head, be in yours.
• Today's Listening Assignment (in case you missed it last time).
• UPDATE! A band called Elephant Stone.
• I love this song. So shoot me, I'm a rube for hooks.
• Today's Listening Assignment.

Updates later. Or not.

*

In My Own Backyard

James Tate

I've seen fox, deer, wild turkey, pheasant, skunk,
snakes, moles, guinea hens. I've throw a boomerang
that never came back.

I've played croquet, badminton, wiffle ball, frisbee.
My flower garden has never amounted to much, but there it is,
blacked-eyed Susans and tiger lilies pushing up
against the odds.

There's an old weathered chicken-coop full
of empty paint cans, a homemade wheelbarrow.

Beyond that is an ersatz compost-heap - I'm not consciously
composting anything.

A mulberry tree, a red maple, a spirea bush.

My neighbor hits a golf ball into my yard once in a while.
I watch him from the kitchen window.
I share a laundry line with him and his wife.
We catch up on the neighborhood news about once a year:
he died, she left him, they took a trip to Canada.

Sometimes I walk the property line, first the side
adjacent to the forest, past the birch trees
and disused doghouse, then along the vacant field
where local kids played softball forty years ago -
the pitcher's rubber is still in place.

I try to appear as if I am inspecting something in the grass,
but I am a little daft, touched as they say,
a little on my way out to pasture.

I grab my throat and wrestle me to the ground.
"There, there," I say, "lighten up ol' boy."
"It's a free country, it's your own backyard."
I listen intently: sky and daisies burlesque each other,

bivouacked between worlds.

*

Seattle 3, United 3

College fucking baseball and its pussy aluminum bats. I'm grateful ESPN broadcasts MLS games, but they can't do a screen in screen? They can't put the game on ESPN News or ESPN Classic until the fucking college baseball with its pussy aluminum bats and pussy double ear-flapped batting helmets is over? No one can say into Glenn Fucking Davis' ear that it's not "the United" or into Kyle Fucking Martino's ear Seattle's keeper is Kasey Keller, not Josh Wicks. (I got up this morning and watched it on ESPN360.com, where it is now if you want to see it.)

Coming back from 3-1 for a point feels better than gacking 1-3 for a point, but I'm far less encouraged having watched the game than I'd have guessed if I'd been told beforehand United would rally from two down. I mean, yay and all, but.... what this guy says.

Here's Goff's player ratings:

Wicks 7.5; Namoff 6, Jakovic 4.5, Burch 3; Pontius 7, Simms 5, Jacobson 5, Fred 5, Wallace 5; Quaranta 7, Emilio 5. Subs: N'Silu 5, Gomez 7, Khumalo 5.

I need remind myself this was on turf, and the speed of a turf game exposes how tenuous United's defense is on grass. I'm not talking about the back three alone (though Burch's suckitude last night gives credence to my Burch-hating); the holding mids are a problem. Simms is dedicated and determined and limited and slow, and there's a gaping hole in the other holding that Jacobson, who failed another audition, can't fill and Wallace, whose tools are pluses on wings, can't play. Olsen, Ba'al bless Benny, isn't the answer. I'm sold enough on Simms, Jakovic, and Namoff, but that's two out of five spots of the back defense that are suckful. HEY! Ivan Guerrero was just released by Colorado.

Interesting that Gomez didn't start. I'm (wildly) guessing that Soehn reasoned that starting Fred on turf might take advantage of his speed on a speedy surface, and since Soehn didn't sub Gomez in when Fred went out injured, Soehm must have reasoned he wanted a full game out of Gomez this Saturday in Colorado and wanted to save some of Gomez' gas, but Fred, why would you start Fred at ten when you have a healthy and finally in-form Gomez?

More N'Silu, less Emilio. More Khumalo, less Emilio.

Pontius is the most important addition to this year's team. Quaranta is the team's heart.

Here's Shatz. More links, updates, edits later. Or not.

UPDATE! 10:22 AM EDT, after twenty minutes, Brazil 2, USMNT 0. Fire Bob Bradley. Why would you start DeMarcus Beasley, who is responsible for both Brazil goals? FIRE BOB BRADLEY! Right now, in the middle of the game. Jeebus Fuckity, USMNT sucks. And now the satellite feed just died.

UPDATE! 11:15 AM EDT. Kljestan off on another stoopid red card tackle, Maicon scores @ 62, Brazil up 3-0, should be 5-0. FIRE BOB BRADLEY! 

UPDATE! Look, I don't think the USMNT has the quality players to beat an Italy or Brazil in an international game that really counts, much less a faux international game like Confederations Cup. I don't think the USMNT team has the talent to get out of group play in WC10 unless it get's both a lucky draw and lucky bounces, but I do think it has an excellent chance, if it goes forward with Bob Bradley as manager, to finish 64th out of 64 in South Africa next year.

I could type, but here's a rant that says pretty much what I would have said and saves me the effort.

Also: Wheaton United? Where? Glenmont? Fuck-Me Jig, mofos.

Convergence of Aarghs

United 5, Metros 3

Most gorgeous night of the season so far, absolutely perfect weather, glorious twilight.

 

The Koolaid Pitcher was there!

 

Click all three, yo.

 

The game was a hoot too.

Would be silly to draw grand conclusions from a US Open Cup play-in game between United's reserves and Metro's reserves, though it can safely be asserted that Avery John (why do you need the A on your NOB, John?) is not the solution the back line needs and Boyzz Khulamo pushing Emilio for minutes is a good thing and Fred will be hard-pressed to ever !GACK! an open net so gacktacularly again, though never count Fred out. (In Fred's defense, after not gacking a second chance, he didn't make an ass out of himself celebrating, one hopes out of embarrassed humility.)

Here's Goff's player ratings:

Wicks 5; Namoff 5, Janicki 4, John 4.5; Barklage 7, McTavish 5, Pontius 8, Gomez 8, Fred 7; Khumalo 6.5, N'Silu 6. Subs: Jacobson 5, Wallace 6, DiRaimondo 5, Burch 5.

Wicks did nothing awful, the goals weren't on him, but he blew a chance to move up, and I have no more confidence he's any better than either of the other two options. Frankly, I say give it to Kocic to prove he doesn't suck.

Barklage has skills. Good tackler with a good first touch, always scrambling, seems to have a feel for the game and puts himself in good spots. He's moved ahead of McTavish (one hopes) as first or second midfield option of bench.

Gomez: odd how much better he looks when Emilio's not on the field, how much better he looks when Quaranta's not on the field. Granted, a truly crappy Metros defense gave Gomez acres in which to operate, but with Khumalo and N'Silu making wonderfully timed runs, Gomez put the ball on their feet in dead sprints. Absolutely beautiful passes, and his best CK of year went in off Pontius' head.

Janicki, oof, A. John (good thing the A, avoid confusion with United's other John... what, they don't have another....) oof. Backline, keepers, gonna ultimately bite United on the ass.

But a wonderful fun time. No place I'd rather have been.

Here's D's Only Impression. Here's Fullback. More if I see them. Or not.

UPDATE!

Victor MacFarlane, the San Francisco real estate executive who has spearheaded D.C. United's pursuit of a new stadium, has sold his stake in the MLS club to business partner Will Chang, team officials announced today.

More here.

My gut reaction is GOOD! only because Chang seems to be interested in the team and profit, McFarlane just in profit.

I thought about posting this earlier but didn't want to Fuck-Me-Jig the post of a happy night, but when entering RFK I came through the gates with a small traveling band of Metros fans and stood in line for a beer with a couple of them. After praising them for traveling, I said something snarky about the Metros suckitude, and one of them said, True, but we have a new stadium.

Still, sing! (tune = bridge of Camptown Races)

Not a fucking one.
Not a fucking one.
How many trophies have you won?
Not a fucking one.

UPDATE!

Chang talks:

"I'm not looking for a big real estate deal as part of a stadium project. I'm looking for a bread-and-butter stadium [without ancillary elements]. I'm not looking for a Poplar Point project [with mixed-use development]. I am just looking for a home for this team. I want to go to a place that wants a stadium and wants us."

"My first and foremost priority is to find a home in the D.C. area. I have not been approached by anyone in any official capacity from any other city. We want to stay here. Is there a sense of urgency to get something done here? Absolutely. But I am under no time pressure. If it takes a little longer to get it done right, that's okay. ... I would like to move to a permanent home. Obviously, the economics would be more favorable for us than where we are now with RFK."

UPDATE!

Video of the game highlights. At the :20 second mark, see if you can see me and this guy.

And fairness requires me say that Wicks did make a couple of good saves (and get a couple of good whacks at Metro players).

United 3, Toronto 3

Kooky game (have you noticed the Post can't be bothered to send a staff photographer to United home games anymore? I wonder how much longer they'll send Goff before deciding to just use a six line AP string. Bet it's been discussed.).

I do not deny the artistic merit of this righteous rant against Coach Tom, but I spent much of the game thinking I need give Soehn credit for rotating his squad, playing a dynamic and forward 3-5-2, and in general not being as big an asshatted Nowakian hammerhead as he once was. High praise indeed.

Normally ties, especially home ties (that's three this year, that's six dropped points, it's only May 10), piss me off, but that first half, in which United might have had four if they'd stop fucking dancing and shoot the fucking ball, was beautiful soccer, and that's all I really ask. Soehn has recognized his team's talent is top-heavy and wide and has pushed his players forward - which resulted in two De Rosario goals, one fluky, the other half-fluky, but I'll take it. United's play this season, by and large, has been far more attractive than anything we saw all dreary last season. There will be defensive breakdowns - and massive wet keeper farts - but Soehn has pushed more players deeper into the opponents' end than he ever did last year. Credit.

Here's Goff's player ratings:

Kocic 4; Namoff 5, Jakovic 7, Burch 5; Fred 7, Simms 6, McTavish 5, Gomez 6, Wallace 6; N'Silu 7, Emilio 5. Subs: Quaranta 5, Moreno 7, Pontius 7.

Shatz praises McTavish, but I must vigorously (and respectfully) disagree. All last year I yelled that United's true mediocrity could be illustrated by needing start both Burch and McTavish, who at best are the 14th and 15th best players on a team, and it's still true, if United is starting those two there are two crucial positions needing upgrading. Ba'al Bless Them, they work relentlessly, doggedly, barely effectually at best and at net minus mostly. McTavish, in our subgroup in 232, was repeatedly (and colorfully) castigated for his bumbles. I don't know United's got a solution for Burch yet, but if Olsen and/or Jacobson is healthy, McTavish wears the Orange Vest of Suck the rest of the season.

Kosic, ass, don't say this:

"Third goal, it was just a bomb," said Kocic. "We were spread too much, we were still emotional thinking about the goal we scored. We were all over the place and the fans were too loud, it was really hard to communicate, so everybody was spread out."

The fans were too loud? My bad, sorry. Ass.

United has a major keeper problem, yes? (I didn't realize it until I read recaps this morning, but the Toronto keeper - who did nothing remarkable, good or bad that I remember - is the Stefan Frei many say United should have taken instead of Wallace. I'm very pro-Wallace, btw, though he looks gassed.) The backline isn't solid enough to survive a bad keeper. United doesn't have a good keeper.

Still

 

Wonderful happy time with good friends. Blast.

UPDATE: Here's Fullback, who thinks pretty much the opposite of everything I wrote.

UPDATE:

Union? Ninety miles from United? Why would MLS sanction two teams with almost identical names unless one of the names won't be operative soon, and MLS hopes the bereaved fans of dead United adopt Union?

Kidding, mostly. Cool logo though.

AWOO! INSIDE BASEBALL! AWOO!

This is the book I mentioned.